It really is a special thing, to be able to look back at someone’s life, passing through all these little moments, isolating the ones that matter.. I think this is the moment I fell in love with him.
December 31st, 1995
It was New Year’s Eve and his parents were throwing their annual party. As you walked in, Louise would grab your coats, take them upstairs, directing you to the kitchen where Norm played bartender. He’d greet you with genuine excitement, then hand you your drinks, leading you into the dining room, which adjoined the living room, eventually circling back into the kitchen. There was a very warm, free flowing nature to the house, and it had the rare ability to make just about everybody feel right at home.
But now, let’s mute out the sound.. What do you see? Friends laughing, families drinking, couples showing pictures of their little ones, acquaintances catching up on each other’s lives.. At first, that’s what I saw too. But with an eye towards the future, the mood changes.. Now, all I see are friends that became strangers.. Family members that became estranged.. Grandparents, who were full of life, that have since passed.. It can be quite meaningful to look back at a party, to see that moment frozen in time. For some, this would be their last new year. For others, like all the children rushing up the stairs, it was one among many, most of them, relatively meaningless. But not for him..
Their house also had an interesting basement. If you made your way down, the first thing you’d notice was the wood panelled walls, then the brick fireplace in the corner of the room, and then the six year-old boy, sitting on the floor, his eyes glued to a 19-inch Panasonic television set. He was watching Dick Clark’s New Year’s Eve Special on ABC, and it was almost midnight, so the camera was fixated on the glowing ball hovering above Time Square. He was mesmerized.. And then it started dropping. Eventually, the announcer began shouting over the crowd, steadily counting down, until finally ’1996’ LIT UP, cueing a roaring “Happy New Yearrr”!! Confetti rained down, along with thousands of balloons.. Auld Lang Syne began to play.. And then, as they panned across the couples, all of them kissing, hugging, singing.. I saw that little boy’s eyes become flooded with tears. He didn’t understand why it affected him so deeply. Why this holiday would come to mean so much to him.. It was one of those rare moments where you get to see a glimpse of who someone really is.. A window into what they value more than anything.
When you watch someone grow up, you really can see everything. And, although we all like to believe that we’re transformative beings, fundamentally people don’t really change. For thousands of years, storytellers have maintained this universal truth, arguing that every individual has an intrinsic nature, otherwise referred to as ‘the essence’ of who they really are. And as we move through our lives, most of our development consists of us building an identity atop that essence, telling ourselves what we’d like to be, reinforcing it with self-promoting delusions, until what was there at the beginning is all but hidden.. In all the great stories, the hero’s journey is about shedding that identity. It’s about acknowledging the truth and becoming the person you were always meant to be.. Sometimes it can happen in a few dramatic instances, but usually, it occurs gradually over the course of ones life.
April 16th, 2004
For him, the first of those instances was when he was 13. His grandmother used to watch these classic romance movies from the 1930s-60s, and on this particular day, he decided to sit down with her. She was watching Brief Encounter (1945) for the twentieth time, and although he started out a bit restless, within five minutes, he was enchanted.. I wish you could see the look his grandmother gave him, knowing that he was feeling the same thing she was.. They must have watched fifty movies together after that, the last one just a few weeks before she died.
There was something about those movies that had a profound effect on him.. If I had to guess, I think it was the way a lot of those characters valued love and romance above all else.. During that era, love wasn’t an ancillary benefit that came from achieving the main goal, instead it was the goal. At that time, it was pushed as the most important thing. The peak of all human experiences.. And I think part of him already knew how much it meant to him, but to experience it, to feel what they feel, if only for a short period of time.. It was revelatory.. It was almost like each film was leading him closer and closer to the truth.
The next big moment, was the first time he fell in love.
August 31st 2008
He always wondered what it would feel like. When it would happen, where they’d meet, what she would be like.. But like most great things, it really was unlike anything he could have ever imagined. I won’t go in-depth on who she was and why it didn’t work out (I think that’s best left to him), but what I will say, is that from his perspective, it was vindication.. ‘For everything that he felt.. Proof, that magic is in fact real.. That was the moment his identity shattered. The moment he finally understood, who he really was, and what he values more than anything.. The moment he finally realized what it feels like to be truly happy.
It was fun to watch him after that. To see him come into his own, embracing aspects of his personality that were previously hidden. For example, one thing I really loved is how emotional he became.. And I know for some girls that falls under the list of undesirable traits, but I think there’s something to be said about allowing yourself to feel something. And it was so gratifying, to see him not only fostering those emotions, but actively seeking them out.. He also became much more reflective.. When he was nine, he used to keep this little black journal.. ‘And I found it really poetic, to see him finally coming back to it, picking right up where that little boy left off.. And I could keep going, rounding off all the little details that make him who he is.. ‘But I think his defining attribute has to be his imagination.. That, you could see early on, guiding him towards his inevitable future, progressively reinforcing his undeniable passion..
He always loved stories. And more than anything, he loved the effect they could have on people.. When he first started writing, he viewed them mostly as diversions, providing us with an invaluable mode of escapism.. ‘But, over time, he started to develop an almost spiritual reverence towards the truly great ones.. The ones with the power to inspire.. ‘To resonate on the deepest level.. Those are the ones that stick with you. The ones that come to mean so much to people.. And the idea, of striving to write one of those stories.. ‘To give people one of those uniquely cathartic experiences.. For him, it became a very meaningful pursuit. And he believed it was undoubtedly worthy of one’s sacrifice.. So that’s what he did. ‘For a while at least..
It’s hard to give yourself to something.
July 23rd, 2013
To stay at home on a Friday night, to see people your age excitedly passing your window, knowing that what you’re working towards may very well end up being a pipe dream.. But you keep going, night after night, week after week, month after month, hoping that it’ll be worth it..
He spent most of his life in Montreal, and if you haven’t been, it really is a wonderful city.. It’s one of those places that transforms itself every season. ‘And it was always his contention that it has everything you could ever hope for in a cinematic backdrop.. ‘But still, he always had this lingering feeling, like he wasn’t truly experiencing it. This was especially true throughout university, as he purposefully dedicated himself to his writing, prioritizing it above all else, continuously sacrificing the present for the future, constantly trying to ignore the harsh reality that life was gradually passing him by.. But with each day, that reality became more pronounced.
Eventually, after seeing everyone else living their lives, gaining experiences, settling into relationships.. It was clear he had to make a change.. So, he decided to take a trip.
September 2nd, 2016
At this point in his life, he had never done anything like this. In fact, I’m tempted to say it was the first spontaneous thing he ever did. He was 26 years-old at the time, and even though the prospect of traveling alone terrified him, he decided to spend a month in Europe, making sure he was by himself for a good portion of it.. For years, he had written about characters forcing themselves outside their comfort zone, seeking out adventure, embracing the unknown.. And that’s what this trip was about.
He got to see Paris when it rains.. He got to walk through Vienna, absorbing all of the sights from one of his favourite romance movies.. He got to save a damsel in distress in Budapest, culminating in one of the more surreal sexual experiences of his life (I’ll admit, I glossed over that part).. There was also the carnivalesque drinking at Oktoberfest.. The midnight walks through Amsterdam.. ’Not to mention his noteworthy adventures in Prague, Berlin, Cologne..
He saw more in that month than he had in his entire lifetime.. However, as special as that trip was, it would still come to be defined by a single thought. A simple idea that he had early on; one that he couldn’t shake, and ultimately, one that changed his outlook forever..
He was in Poland when the thought occured to him. It was his first time alone in a new city, and although he seemed calm, deep down he was incredibly nervous.. First, he took out his map. Then, he exited the train station, which took him down this long familiar road.. And then, as he rounded the corner, he was immediately struck by this beautiful castle-like structure, which felt like it was something right out of a fairy tale.. And as he looked up at it, he started to think to himself, how amazing it would have been.. ‘Had he already met his wife. ‘Had she been there with him.. It just felt like one of those otherworldly experiences that needed to be shared.
And then, as his eyes drifted downwards, that’s when he saw her.. ‘Standing there, revelling in its beauty.. The same way he was.. Even though he couldn’t see her face, he could tell she was so beautiful.. And he knew it wasn’t real. He knew it was his imagination, working almost autonomously, to place her beside him.. But it didn’t matter. ‘Because she felt real.. What he felt towards her, was real.
And it kept happening.
When he’d walk through a museum, he’d imagine himself pointing something out to her, trying to make her laugh with a stupid comment.. When he’d go to the movies, he’d keep turning to the seat beside him, imagining her reactions.. And, when he’d walk along the seine at night, taking in the overwhelming beauty of Paris.. ‘He’d imagine her coming up behind him, slipping her hand into his, silently acknowledging what a rare moment that was.. No matter where he was, or what he did, she was always there. An invisible presence that he couldn’t touch, he couldn’t kiss. And he just couldn’t stop thinking about how much it would have meant to him.. ‘To have been able to experience that with her.
When the trip was finally over.. ‘As he sat there, on that plane ride home, his head perched against the window.. He wasn’t thinking about all the beautiful things he had seen.. He wasn’t thinking about the experiences he had or the people he met.. Instead, he was thinking about her. Imagining where she was, slowly realizing that she’s the most important thing.
October 2nd, 2016
When he got home, his family and friends were all there. All of them, excited to see him, excited to hear the stories.. And every time they would ask, he’d go on about how great it was, rattling off all these unbelievable highlights, all the while concealing what was really on his mind.. Even though he wouldn’t say it, there was something different in his eyes.. An unbridled enthusiasm.. A newfound sense of optimism.
From that point on, he became willfully determined to put himself out there.. He started going out on more dates. He also started saving up for an engagement ring, assuming his revelation would sort of will it into existence, acting as its own self-fulfilling prophecy. But, as fate would have it, that’s not what happened.
It was hard to watch him struggle. To see him continually getting hurt.
June 11th, 2018
On most first dates, he would arrive before she does, sitting there in that candlelit bar, his heart on his sleeve, hopeful that this could be the one, completely unaware that he was just a few hours away from yet another devastating rejection.. Sometimes, he was too eager. Other times, it was clear they were just the wrong girls. But the reason didn’t really matter. Each one took its toll.. ‘And it was easy to understand why.
He always had this unfortunate habit, of peering into the future.. In some cases, it would happen before they even met, other times, it would happen on the date itself. ‘Maybe it was something she said, the way she looked at him, or on a rare occasion, the first time he laid eyes on her.. Whatever it was, there was always this moment where he’d become unreservedly excited about someone, and then, almost involuntarily, he’d start thinking about what their relationship would look like, imagining where it might go, building it up into this hypothetical love story. And then before he knows it, he’s seeing glimpses of her walking down the isle, her eyes fixed on him like they’re the only two people in the room.. ‘Lying in bed on their honeymoon, genuinely wishing they could stay there forever.. ‘Reading a story to their kids, smiling at all of their adorable expressions..
And when the night’s over, and she ends it.. The story ends.
It was sad to see him put that much emotion into it. To see him, feeling the full weight of each encounter, absorbing each ending as if it were a breakup.
And he tried to keep going..
But after a while, all of those bad dates started to have a compounding effect.. ‘Distorting his expectations, diminishing his hopeful exuberance, dissolving his foundational convictions.. ‘Until she felt further and further away. ‘Until he became completely lost.
At a certain point, he started to lose faith, thinking about how it might not happen for him.. ‘Considering the possibility that maybe he’s not meant to have some great love story.. ‘Contemplating the notion, that maybe, settling isn’t such a bad thing.
But then he started thinking about her.. ‘Thinking about how she might be out there, wishing for the same magic he is.. ‘Desperately waiting to find it.. And that’s when he realized, he can’t give up..
That’s when he realized, it’s up to him to find her.
Present Day
There’s something about the sound of a train..
’That just feels so, romantic, and nostalgic, and hopeful.. It’s one of those feelings that’s universally shared, and yet, in no way does that detract from the experience..
This train, is particularly special.. I try to take this trip every couple of years, usually after I break a new story.. I suppose it’s become a bit of a tradition of mine. It’s one of the few sleeper trains that feels like it was pulled straight out of the past. An opulent time capsule for one of the more idealized periods in history.
I know it’s not customary for a narrator to introduce herself, especially when you’re not personally involved in the story you’re setting out to tell. But in this case, I think I’ll make an exception.
It’s a strange feeling, when you finally put a character down on the page. It doesn’t matter if they’re fictional, loosely inspired, or drawn from a real person.. When the ink dries, it’s like they become someone else entirely.. Sometimes, I’d imagine my characters sitting across from me, and when I’d look at them, I’d have this intense feeling of familiarity, as if I was looking at a version of myself.. But with him, it feels different.. When I look at him, I don’t see myself, but rather, an outward manifestation of something I always hoped I would find.. Someone who values love and romance the same way I do..
My name is Evelyn Foster. I’m a novelist, based just outside of London. ‘But as I’m writing this, I’m passing through Austria, looking out at the beautiful mountains of the Arlberg Pass.. There’s something about this trip that really puts things into perspective.. Traditionally, when I approach a new story, I usually start with a question. ‘Specifically, one in which I don’t know the answer.. And right now, as I’m looking out that window, there’s only one question I’m thinking about..
It’s the one question that matters. ‘The one question that’s going to propel this story forward, moving it towards its inevitable climax.
Can love be pursued?
There’s an old saying when it comes to love, that “it’ll find you when you when stop looking for it.” But is that actually true? The idea is easy enough to grasp, drawing its credibility from how evidently unattractive desperation is. ‘And even though I do think there is an element of truth to that saying, I also think there’s something to be said about not looking.. ‘Because although there are plenty of people who were lucky enough to find love in a chance encounter, there’s also countless others who were left waiting, eventually accepting their positions as one of the unlucky ones, eventually coming to terms with the fact that it’s just not going to happen for them..
Towards the end, he spent a lot of time thinking about that.. ‘Thinking about how easy it would be, to just let go of the idea.. ’To stop pining for what he doesn’t have.. ‘And find comfort in his reality.
‘But, he couldn’t do that.
Instead, like all the heroes in all the fairy tales, he decided to set out on a quest.. ‘Vowing to do whatever it takes to make himself worthy of her.. ’To do whatever it takes to find her.. ‘Vowing, to face the metaphorical dragon that stands in his way, armed with the only weapon he has.. Hope. Hope that she’s out there. Hope that he’ll find her. Hope, that it’ll all be worth it.
I believe every individual is the protagonist of their own story. ‘And that, it is their moral obligation to cross the threshold and pursue what is for them, most meaningful. If you want something, if you value it more than anything, then you have to pursue it.. You have to be thoughtful and strategic. You have to put yourself out there and risk getting hurt.. ‘And no matter what happens, you have to keep going, because you’re the only one who knows how much it means to you..
As I look around, surveying all these beautiful people in the dining car, I can’t tell you who they are, what they’re thinking, where they’re going.. ‘But him, I know. ‘Just by looking at him, seeing him sitting there, with those big expressive eyes.. I can tell you everything.
I can tell you, with absolute conviction, that there’s nothing he wants more than a great love story.. To find someone with that unique ability to make everyone else disappear.. To come to learn everything about her.. To devote himself to giving her everything she ever hoped for.
I don’t know if all his dreams will come true. I don’t know if he’ll get to have his New Year’s Eve wedding, where they all count down to their first moment as husband and wife, reappropriating all future countdowns as a buildup to their anniversary.. I don’t know if he’ll get to have his European honeymoon, with those french balcony doors, opening up to a breathtaking view of the Eiffel Tower.. ‘And I don’t know if he’ll get to have his three beautiful daughters, all of them, clearly favouring their mother.. I don’t know what will happen. ’But what I do know, is that he will never stop trying.. He will never give up.
When I look back at his life, it’s easy to see how much writing means to him. ‘But there’s no doubt in my mind, that if he could have all his literary dreams realized, at the expense of finding her, there’s no chance he would take it.. For him, she remains his highest ambition. And he understands what’s at stake.. Time. We’re all given so little of it, and it’s one of the great tragedies to let it slip away.. He understands that and he’s fully aware of everything that he’s missing.. Every birthday he’s not there to celebrate with her. Every bad day he’s not there to make her laugh. Every New Year’s Eve countdown he’s not there to kiss her. As time passes, more and more of those moments are gone.. And he knows he’ll never get them back.
‘But, he can still salvage all of the moments that lie ahead..
This is the story of a lost protagonist who’s setting out to find his wife. And, now that he’s been properly introduced, I think it’s about time I let the two of you get acquainted.
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